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From Jailbait to Mistress: A Mother's Distress
Thu Oct 23, 2:00 AM ET
DEAR MARGO: My daughter has been having an affair with a married man since he seduced her at a young age. She is now almost 21 and claims she is very much in love with him. I remind her that he does not belong to her but to his wife. This man is the brother of a powerful and internally known man in our town. He is very controlling of my daughter and that scares me. I believe he also manipulates his wife. They have four children, all athletic stars at a Catholic college. One of their daughters was my daughter's best friend until it came out that her father has been having a sexual relationship with my daughter since her youth. I can't seem to get through to my daughter that this guy is using his family's name and power to manipulate and intimidate her.
--- SUFFERING MOTHER
DEAR SUF: I'm not sure it's the man's name and relationship to power that are underlying the attraction, but onward. I totally understand your anguish. It is hell for parents, with wisdom and experience behind them, to watch a child make a horrendous mistake and be unable to do anything about it. Your daughter's boyfriend, in addition to the powerful brother, has a surplus of nerve. Consider: Their relationship is apparently no secret, seeing as how even the man's daughter knows. And ... he started the relationship with an underage girl apparently unconcerned that her parents might find out.
I'm assuming the family is Catholic, and while some Catholics get divorced, most do not. I mention this by way of saying that your daughter may believe, as many "other women" do, that he will leave his wife and marry her. Had you acted when this shameful affair began, you might have either confronted the man, or told his employer or his wife. (The wives, by the way, usually know.) Now, however, your daughter is legally an adult. As for getting through to her, I suspect that's a lost cause. It's her life. She will have to wake up on her own to the fact that she is wasting her prime time, and that she's now known as the girlfriend of a married man. In short, there is nothing you can say or do to change the situation. I hope this doesn't go on for years, because at some point I am quite sure your daughter will become disenchanted with being the bit on the side and feel heartsick that she put in so much time being the plaything of a skunk.
--- MARGO, SYMPATHETICALLY
Blood Is Thicker than Water, and It Boils Faster
DEAR MARGO: My wife and I have been married 28 years. My m-i-l stopped being part of her grandchildren's and our lives years ago. She has bad-mouthed my wife all over her small hometown and once told us that "we never did anything for her out of love." We dropped her from family events (birthdays, Thanksgiving and Christmas) after my f-i-l died. I still feel somewhat guilty for her being alone, but my family (including my wife) reminds me of the miserable shrew she is. Why do I feel guilty?
--- MR. X
DEAR MR.: You feel guilty because this woman is your wife's mother, and part of you believes, "My mother, drunk or sober" -- a takeoff on "My country, right or wrong" -- which is to say that some people feel being related by blood is reason enough to submit to a punishing relationship. I am not one of them. It has always struck me as masochistic to maintain ties with someone who is in your life simply because of DNA. I hope you can work on ditching the guilt, whether it's through books or a counselor. I don't know what else you have on the old girl, but the extreme coolness between you seems reason enough to keep a distance. I do believe that people, shrews included, earn the relationships they wind up with. Call it karma.
--- MARGO, CONSTRUCTIVELY
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to click here.
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