Checking In
What To Do with an Incriminating E-mail that Wasn't Meant for You
Thu Dec 4, 2:00 AM ET
DEAR MARGO: This morning I was checking my e-mail and found a message from my father-in-law. It began "Dear Anne" -- not my name and not his wife's name. It went on to say that he "had a good time yesterday, hoped she did, too, and has been thinking of (Anne) all day." My immediate reaction was to feel stunned and a little queasy. I know my husband's parents have had marital problems in the past, but I thought they had established a peaceful, if not entirely fulfilling, marriage. My mother-in-law suffers from major depression, and while she is on medication, I know it has a huge effect on my father-in-law. I am not sure what to do now. Should I delete this e-mail like it never happened? Do I tell my husband about it? He is much closer to his father than his mother, so this would crush him. Maybe I am making a big deal out of nothing and it was just a harmless e-mail between friends. Help!
--- NEEDING ADVICE
DEAR NEED: Oh, yes, the errant e-mail. I, too, have lived through this, as have many people I know. I suspect more people have hit "send" and embarrassed themselves than we will ever know. Given what you've written, I would forget about your f-i-l's message, delete it and mention nothing to your husband. There is not anything to be gained by telling. I am guessing it was not a "harmless" e-mail and that Anne is supplying what your mother-in-law cannot, but let this be their secret.
--- MARGO, COMPASSIONATELY
Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall. How Can I Be 50?
DEAR MARGO: My best friend has a problem with men. She thinks they can't stop falling for her. They're always flirting with her, she says, but she doesn't acknowledge the wildly flirtatious things she does to attract their attention. Recently, one of the city's wealthy bachelors pressed up against her and asked for more. She was shocked, as she didn't know what "more" meant, so she says. "Helen" has been married for 10 years and has kids, and this behavior troubles her husband. Not long ago, I gave her a list of things I've witnessed over 20 years, including flirting with my own husband. (When he didn't go for it, she called him the sensitive type, insinuating he was gay!) I can see beyond her problem, and she is actually smart and a lot of fun to be with. But recently she scolded me for making her feel "insecure about her innocent behavior" when she "was just trying to be nice." Our friendship suffered. While it is true that she is beautiful and attracts attention for that alone (she was once a well-known model), she is in her 50s and her 20-something behavior is sometimes embarrassing. She flirts with waiters and anyone who is male. I guess my question is: What is the best answer when a friend with a problem asks for advice, when the truth I already offered was turned back on me?
--- PLAYED DEAR MARGO AND GOT BURNED IN WISCONSIN
DEAR PLAYED: Being flirtatious has become like a tic for your friend. She did it as a young model and never outgrew it. It is said that aging is particularly hard for models and movie stars because life was about their looks. Unfortunately your friend has not come to terms with the fact that she's now a middle-aged woman. Because you told her once what you thought the problem was and she was defensive, there is nothing more you can do. Should she ask you again, simply say you have not changed your mind from the last discussion and it may be something she should discuss with a therapist, not a friend.
--- MARGO, SELF-PROTECTIVELY
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to click here.
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