Checking In
The Family Version of a Court Martial
Fri Dec 26, 2:00 AM ET
DEAR MARGO: Like me, my son is in the Army and has two daughters and two sons. I've had a very close relationship with my older granddaughter from our first meeting when she was just over a year old (she is now 9). That child had always kissed me on the lips at every opportunity. About a year ago, when she kissed me, I licked her lips. Apparently she liked that enough to do the same with my son when he kissed her good night that night. My son and his wife were quite upset with me, and his wife ordered me out of the house. I have not seen any of them since. I personally do not think I did anything wrong, but obviously they do not see it that way. Did I actually do something wrong when there was no intent to do harm?
--- GRAMPS IN THE DOGHOUSE
DEAR GRAMPS: Um, yes, I'm afraid you did do something wrong. If this happened a year ago, you essentially French-kissed a third-grader. That is about as appropriate as French-kissing your sergeant. I have no idea what possessed you to "lick her lips." You either have a deep-seated, unconscious, unhealthy desire for young girls, or you're severely judgment-challenged. The only way I can think of to make amends is to book a few sessions with a shrink to discuss this, and then tell your son and his wife that you were concerned about your behavior and wanted to deal with it. That still may not get you out of the doghouse, but at least you will have tried.
--- MARGO, INCREDULOUSLY
It's Not Easy When the Rules Change Mid-Game
DEAR MARGO: I have been married to my husband for two years, and we have been together for seven. My husband is almost four years younger than I am. When we met, he was adamant that he did not want a child of his own, ever. I have two teenagers from a prior relationship. I asked him more than once if he was sure, because I would rather have a child sooner than later. He assured me: no children. Now that I am 35 and have almost raised my children, he has decided that he really does want a child of his own. I am afraid if I do not give in he will resent me later. I have been a mom since I was 18 years old, and I was looking forward to some time for me. What do I do?
--- THOUGHT I WAS DONE
DEAR THOUGHT: There are two conflicting desires here that will require a great deal of thought and discussion. I am sympathetic to your position, as I think many women will be, and find it totally defensible. While today's fathers are much more involved than the previous generation, raising kids winds up the primary responsibility of the mother (in a two-parent household). Your husband's change of heart is not that unusual. The thing is, while such men can be reminded of their earlier declaration, when they change their minds, there is almost a primal longing that comes over them. It can become a source of friction. (Do not ask me how I know this.) I think that if you decide this man is your heart's desire and he seems determined (and you are certainly young enough to belt out another child), then perhaps you can negotiate things so that you somehow maintain some time for yourself, whether it's his pitching in or hiring a helper. As a woman, I can tell you this will not be an easy decision. Good luck.
--- MARGO, MEDITATIVELY
TO MY READERS: I will be leaving Yahoo! News in late January for my new online home, www.wowowow.com. I hope you will join me there, starting Jan. 29, 2009.
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to click here.
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