Checking In
When It's Time To Give Him His Discharge Papers
Fri Jan 2, 2:00 AM ET
DEAR MARGO: I have been married for 20 years to a man who has cheated numerous times. Recently, I actually busted him because he had become a bit careless. My problem is that I have been with this man for over half of my life and do not know how to let go. I can barely stand to look at him at times, yet I can't picture myself with anyone else. I know in my head I need to end this marriage because staying with him is putting my health at risk -- not least because of his sexual activity with other women -- but my heart does not want to let go. I worry about my children if we split, but then I worry about them if we stay together because I am always so unhappy. I'm in counseling because I have zero self-esteem. Part of me knows that I'm an attractive woman, but I have somehow lost me. For years part of me has been waiting for this man to change, but I truly don't feel he is capable of doing so. We are living in the same house but not sharing a bed because it hurts too much under the circumstances. This situation is literally making me sick. As I read this letter back to myself, I am thinking that anyone who read it would think I am crazy for staying with this man. I am miserable with him, but I think I will feel the same way without him. So which is the lesser of the two evils?
--- MILITARY WIFE
DEAR MIL: You are just used to him, my dear ... like one gets used to a slipped disc. By now he's a habit -- and a destructive one. He is also hazardous to your health. And of course you have no self-esteem. This man took it all away by giving you the idea that all his playmates are more pleasing than you. Some of what keeps you in this marriage is the improbable hope that he will straighten up, but you need to separate wishful thinking from reality. So yes, I think the lesser of the two evils is to end your misery and call it quits. Free of the in-your-face heartache and humiliation, the results might surprise you.
--- MARGO, OPTIMISTICALLY
What Makes One a Mother?
DEAR MARGO: I have been the primary caretaker for my two younger siblings since they were born. The state took the children from my mother. I fought long and hard to adopt my brothers and have always loved them like they were my natural-born babies. I left my education to work full time and prove that I could afford to raise them, and fought through years of bureaucracy to finalize the adoption. Recently, a woman suggested that I was not a "real" mother. Officials also question me because the oldest is now 15 and I am 28. Their amended birth certificates say "father unknown," so they look at me like a teenage mother who couldn't figure out who knocked her up! What would be your suggestion in handling these types of questions and comments?
--- SISTER MOTHER
DEAR SIS: What a brave and loving older sister you are, and by any standards that count, you have, indeed, mothered these boys. I would explain the situation to whoever has to know the background. It is admirable that you took on this "job" at a very young age. You should be proud of yourself. Anyone who knows your story has to be impressed.
--- MARGO, RESPECTFULLY
TO MY READERS: I will be leaving Yahoo! News in late January for my new online home, www.wowowow.com. I hope you will join me there, starting Jan. 29, 2009.
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to click here.
COPYRIGHT 2008 MARGO HOWARD
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